Refocus Your Marriage

Is marriage what you thought it would be, did you ever realize that it would take so much effort to achieve a happy, loving and fulfilling marriage? So many people go into marriage woefully unprepared and their head stuffed full of unrealistic expectations, once the reality of what they have done starts to bite and the problems start to mount they run for the divorce courts. Before marrying you would have gone on dates, talked for hours about emotions, hopes and dreams, you had fun and you enjoyed each other's company.

When you stop doing everything that brought and bound you together your bond starts to weaken unless you do something to redress the balance your marriage will end. So how can you refocus your marriage? The first thing is that you both have to want your marriage to succeed and you both have to commit to making it work.

One person cannot do it alone, you both have equal responsibility for making it work, if one of you is unwilling then you need to consider whether it is worth carrying on. It is a sad fact of life that not all marriages will work, you could be just too incompatible if that is the case and your partner agrees then break up as amicably as possible. If there is hope for you then it is time to get talking.

A lack of communication is perhaps the easiest way to destroy a marriage. To refocus your marriage you have to be able to share each other's lives, know your partners' innermost feelings and emotions, be aware of their wants and needs for the marriage and be ready to help deliver them. If you do not talk how are you going to connect with each other?

You have to find out what each of you wants from the marriage and the direction that you both see it taking. You might find out that you want completely different things to your partner in which case you both need to come up with a compromise that you can both live with.

If you want your marriage to work then you both have to be happy with the future that you are working towards, do not agree with things just for the sake of agreeing or that you do not want to upset your partner. If there are things that you are unhappy with and yet go along with then they could cause problems in the future, they could make you very unhappy, and you could end up adding to the divorce statistics.

If you do not listen to your partner then how do you know when they need you? It can be very difficult to listen to someone when they are speaking to you because your mind is automatically preparing your response. You can pretend to listen and let your mind drift, unfortunately, the odds are that your body language will give you away, your partner is unlikely to view this favorably.

You should care what your partner is talking about because it is obviously important to them if you love them and want to help them then listen. If you do not understand or quite follow what is being said then ask questions until you do. It does not take a lot of effort on your part and it means so much to your partner.

Love is a wonderful thing, but if you do not like your partner then how will you survive what could be decades with them? You might think that you do not like your partner, but is that really the case? I am assuming that when you married them you liked them so whatever has happened could be relatively recent, that being the case is it only a temporary thing caused by your current less than blissful marriage? Look at everything that drew you to your partner, look at all the good times that you had with your partner, and most importantly think about all the good times that you could still have with your partner.

You need time to spend together, just you two, no distractions, just time when you can relax in each other company and learn to take pleasure from being with each other all over again. Think of some of the great times that you had when dating, these do not have to stop just because you are married, if anything it is more important that you keep building the shared memories and experiences because they connect you.

Just as a lack of communication cuts of contact between you, stopping sharing experiences together gives you no common ground to hold on to. Find new hobbies and interests or share your partners, recreate memorable old dates, go for walks, do charity work, it does not matter what you do so long as you enjoy it and you are doing it together.

One of the best ways to refocus your marriage is in how you deal with problems. Now you can shout and scream at each other, nothing gets achieved and you both feel miserable. Or you can deal with your issues one at a time, calmly and rationally, and look for a solution that you are both happy with. You are two separate individuals so you will never, ever agree with each other all the time, the important thing is that you both work together for a compromise or solution that you can both be happy with.

Now that you are married you can no longer afford to just look after your own personal interests, your partner and possibly some children have entered the equation. This is not a competition to see who can win the most arguments, you have to work for what is best for the marriage. If you both work for what is best for the marriage then you will end up with a happy marriage, and although you will still have your squabbles, you will find them far easier to deal with.

There are far too many couples who are prepared to throw in the towel and get divorced rather than really put the work in. Maybe that is a reflection on our consumer-driven society, it is broken then throw it out and get a new one. Maybe not enough people place sufficient value on their marriages? When you marry, you marry for better or for worse.

When you hit the bad times that is when you stand together and work through the storm, when you come out through the other side you will come out stronger and more committed because of what you have dealt with. In the bad times, you both have to believe in yourself and in the relationship, whilst it is not always easy you have to stop focusing on the negative things and refocus your marriage on the positive, it is not easy but it is worth it.

Despite what Hollywood, the T.V, magazines and romantic novels tell you, there is no such thing as the perfect marriage. What you get is what you make of it. Love your partner for the unique individual that they are and learn to accept love as well as give it.

Do not try and create a marriage based on some fantasy that you have dreamed up, it will not work. Be happy with who you are and do what you can to make your partner happy. Share your lives and learn to enjoy them. Always look at what you can do to help strengthen your marriage. Each and every day hold or kiss your partner and never, ever forget to tell them that you love them.